Opposing forces battle for the soul /
Yin and yang. Push and pull. At war with the darkness. The darkness at war with the light.
Moving ahead. /
A record of what is /
/
Glimpses /
It's considerably less miserable to make photos outside these days. Looking forward to the rush of ok-ish climate.
Reading /
“This was a manuscript of the night we couldn’t read.”
It was hot, the bugs were biting /
... and all was right with the world.
Expanded edit (Sort of) /
Well, while trying my best to stretch out my edits, I'm realizing exactly how tight I've gotten with these shots. It's a combination of intense planning, poor weather (so hot), fleeting light, and low resources (such as having little available assistance). Though these mostly unedited shots are almost exclusively terrible, I'm starting to notice a couple of things I like that I might add in. It should also be noted that these do not represent the postponements and photos that failed before a shot was even taken.
Without anymore delay, here's a handful of extras I could stand posting here.
Quick update /
So my job hasn't killed my ambitions. Lyme Disease is trying ... But I'm hanging in there.
Losing more than two weeks to a broken lens has helped nothing. But the last half of them month has been increasingly productive. Enough that I haven't posted a few photos I thought were subpar, even if they might make me look busier.
Travel ambitions suffering from lack of funds, but research is strong. And the coming month of full paychecks will help greatly.
Still astounded by how thoroughly the spring semester wiped out all of my thesis work, save for a handful of books and maybe what will be a couple of pages about some photographers.
I sit down at the end of the day - in the middle of the day - sometimes first thing in the day ... And feel exhausted. I go to sleep most nights feeling physically ill with exhaustion. I get a random day off, and feel exhausted.
But I'm still working and still scheduling work. And I think my job is helping motivate my brain, tighten my skills, give me a venue for doing work, and supply me with the money for the few excursions I think I need to make.
Going broke in Colorado proved to be quite fruitful. Excited to share some of my direction.
But first, exhaustion.
New horizons /
I thoroughly enjoyed spending hours driving, exploring, thinking about art and making art while I was in Colorado and Utah, but a cloud hung over everything, and it has remained. This inescapable question: How will I pay for this?
Traveling at 25-27 years-old with a couch surfing network that could make almost anyone jealous is so much different than trying the same at 36. Floors don’t cut it anymore, and all those old friends have families and busy jobs. Even when I do have a place to crash, plane tickets are so much more expensive, and I had still not enough appreciation for that newspaper paycheck that was above average for my age. Where I used to be able to get a ride from the airport, I pretty much need to rent cars now. I have to pay for parking at the airport. I sometimes have to consider hotels (which only happened about twice on dozens of past excursions).
As productive as it was, looking at the rest of my Semester Away plans have become increasingly daunting. Even hopping in a car for a short jaunt threatens my beleaguered bank account. Loans help pay basic bills, and nothing else. I don’t want to take up a TA position and be stuck on campus, in what has been a classically terribly unproductive position for my photography. (Though I truly appreciate its role in actually helping me pay for the on-campus portion of this degree!!)
I have been working steadily on art, and I’ve collected a solid amount of it, especially considering the head and foot work it takes to make one of these images to work. I’ve now got a stack of books to build a solid academic underpinning for my work. I already have an even clearer mission for my work, and a clearer idea of what works and won’t.
Still, I could barely imagine affording 2-4 more excursions over the next half year. And while even staying planted in East Texas (a better idea than ever, but that’s another post) is certainly an option, I worry that it won’t be seen as NLC-worthy. And even if I could make the best MFA show ever in my backyard, this is the sobering truth:
I. AM. BROKE.
I cannot emphasize this enough. I cannot sell enough of my art making tools. Blood isn’t valuable enough. I’m 36 and I have bills. Debt I've taken on while building a personal photography business is going away, and I want to keep it that way – I’ve got enough school debt to worry about. I’ve been waiting for a solution, or to just squeeze through and hope the damage won’t take too long to undo. I grew up poor and understand how to max out money, so this isn't an issue of money or luxury management.
The only sources of income I’ve had after my last TA check came in was a once-a-semester stipend from Kilgore College for newspaper consultation, and a nice shot of cash from my super generous GoFundMe donors (if you are one, I will send an update to you soon!). While that was enough to get me through June, July-December offered very little in line of hope.
Amid all these money worries, a job opening caught my attention, really for the first time in years. Since I went into business for myself, I’ve generally eschewed full-time employment outside of my own work. I've especially avoided distractions as I've entered the downhill stage of this degree. So I threw together a resume (as a sign of how much I wasn’t interested in looking for non-teaching jobs, I had a CV, but no resume), applied and decided to see what would unfold.
As it goes, barely a week ago I received a call and interviewed. It went pretty wonderfully, if I may say so. Short story even shorter: I begin Tuesday as Kilgore College’s new graphic designer and campus photographer.
This is terrible for grad school, right?
Well, no. I don’t think so. I think it’s great, actually.
As long as I pace myself correctly, I still have several evenings and lots of weekend times for my art. It happens at those times usually, anyway, because my subjects have jobs and often go to school. It opens me up to more connections, I will have personal studio space to work with, I’ll have lots more practice with technical skills that will be helpful in accomplishing my photos, I’ll have access to potentially several different locations I would have had otherwise … and most importantly: I will have MONEY to accomplish my goals. I can take a long weekend and go to New York, should that be useful. I can take a long weekend to take a workshop in Austin. I can attend openings and lectures much more easily, because I’ll be able to afford driving or flying to them. I’ll have ample space in my studio office to have my books and other research material at hand.
As long as I manage my time, this should only help me. It eases so many burdens, and creates only a few. I barely have a choice in the matter, regardless ... So, here we go.
Rough edits, all screen shots. No comments for now:
First foray /
I have been back from Colorado and Utah for a couple of days now, and things are starting to settle and take form. As much fun as I had traveling and looking for cool locations, I learned how much the Piney Woods informs my work. I've begun to question my need for going too far out of the area.
As enthralled as I am by mountains and open landscape, I also feel like their magic is easily accessible. Maybe this isn't a bad thing, but what gets me passionate about the environments in my work is their underappreciated majesty. Everyone is so dismissive of East Texas' tangled vegetation and obscured skies. Even Jack Kerouac was quick to dismiss the area as a "riddle of the night we couldn't solve."
And for all my frustrations with East Texas, I feel somewhat upset when I meet/observe the diaspora and hear round dismissals of how impossible it is to be creative or happy around here. For every Keith Carter who finds beauty and magic in these rural settings, there are three or four who focus on the oppressive forces felt by so many natives.
I'm not trying to find "beauty in the hideous," I'm saying there's more there for those who seek. I'm saying one doesn't need mountains, big cities or endless entertainment choices. I'm saying there's a spirit in the woods, a force that pulses next to the malevolence and darkness. I won't say it's not scary, or even if it's good. But it's magic and it makes me want to know more.
Other accomplishments include:
• Several photos taken. Several more planned.
• Visited Denver Art Museum.
• Discussions with skilled and experienced practitioners of theatre and dance.
• Intense study of books, narrowing them down for bibliography. LOTS of great stuff.
So it begins ... /
Technically, I guess my Semester Away begins during Summer II, but so y'all don't think I'm being lazy, I'll post a few updates here.
The first update is that I might be changing my website and blog soon due to financial reasons, so I will send a new link if that should happen ...
Secondly, I've gotten most of the books I'll need to rebuild my bibliography. I'm considering keeping the information on Gregory Crewdson and Jeff Wall. I could possibly keep more, but I feel like I'll instead be adding one or more among Clarence John Laughlin, Tom Hunter, Anna Gaskell and Anne Brigman. And Philip-Lorca di Corcia might also stick around ...
Third: I am traveling to Colorado on June 8, which will kick off my travel/shooting for the summer. I have things arranged in Boulder, Denver and Grand Junction. I'll go to some museums and galleries and so on ...
Fourth: I've got a GoFundMe page to help fund my work. I've raised $350 so far!
Finally, here are a few photographs I've taken since the semester ended. The first five are pretty much finished, save for some tweaking and the captions. The last four are screen shots, maybe two of which I might actually use. There are two others I couldn't get to upload, and I'll just add them on a later update.
